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About
Who is Larry Fabuto?
Fiercely protective, yet boundlessly ingratiating, from the boardroom to the bedroom, Fabuto’s magnetism is unparalleled. Incisive without Falling Prey to arrogance, he offers faultless advice to friends and loved ones, delivered with a finesse that makes it almost feel solicited.
A Socratic Philosopher King lathered in Banana Boat. An importer of sheeny fabrics. A family man and favorite uncle. A dad bod. A defender of fortune. A philanthropist. A style icon. A wearer of sunglasses inside. A casual speaker of dead languages. A wedding toastmaker. A loyal Wawa customer.
In a word, a demigod.
He never breathes a word of his escapades, yet to imagine Larry Fabuto as anything less than the simultaneously most gentle yet explosive lover is an impossibility. Many make this attribution based upon the famed Fabuto Gesticulations™:
The Held Court: A relaxed yet somewhat enclosed fist resting easefully on the dinner table, meant to signify his status as Alpha without inciting competition from the other males in his presence
Candid Disinterest: Four fingers in a pant pocket while the thumb remains exposed at a forty-five degree angle between the belt loop and the pocket’s enclosure. Only one hand in pocket, never two, preferably the right. Head cocked 10 degrees to the side on the opposite side of the pocketed fourfingers (e.g., Fabuto’s right hand is in the pocket while his head cocks 10 degrees to the left)
Shot Wave: An articulation of the right hand, first held upright, facing its intended recipient, fingers spread as if to catch a basketball with one hand before being rotated 90 degrees counterclockwise with a visible “flick” of the wrist, such that the intended recipient receives what resembles a half-hearted shooting point in his or her direction.
N.B.: Scholars maintain Fabuto adapted this motion from the oft-forgotten “Herb Wave,” circa 1996. While it’s clear that Fabuto and Herb may have been aware of one another at the time of its rise to prominence, this author is skeptical as to the true origin given the sheer volume of Fabuto-generated movements and movements.
Larry Fabuto is all of us, yet Larry Fabuto is none of us, for his grace is inimitable. We’ve created this website in the dawn of a new and terrifying era because the spirit of the Fabuto is needed now more than ever. To share with the world the ways of the Fabuto is to spread goodwill toward mankind, one that we hope will inspire an upswing humility, pride, and respect. Enjoy.
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Our Services
The FAbuto Fives Master Class
Fashion. Fortune. Flaws. Fantasies. Family.
Have you ever felt the painful wound of the eternal void expectorate the pus of your crushed dreams and think to yourself, "How the hell did I end up in this sellout job with a partner whose genitals I can no longer stand the sight of, strapped with Bezos debt and a closetful of muumuus? You aren't alone.
Larry Fabuto personally crafted a master class centered around the Fabuto Fives after an uncharacteristic midlife crisis that involved a Bernese Mountain Dog and a shaken can of Vernors® Ginger Ale. This master class teaches students how to take back control of their lives through wardrobe alterations, the reimagining of value, the acceptance of grave personal errors, and the fulfillment of desires, sexual or otherwise, culminating in the final and most fundamental Fabuto Five: Family.
If Bill Mays had taken this class, he'd not only endorse it with a money* back guarantee, he'd also probably have been able to kick that nasty nose beer habit. But don't take it from me: testimonials.
*Per Fabuto Family Fortune Policy 6.52(c), government-backed currency is but a scam that reinforces systemic control of citizens by a small minority of evil overlords in Midwestern states, and as such, no money can be refunded.
Fabuto Gesticulations ™ Course
Project an aura of consummate cool in all situations. Jazz hands, man hands, backhands, glad hands, and helping hands. This course will teach you how to let your hands talk for you and has given students the freedom to refrain from small talk topics including, but not limited to: sports, weather, European sports, explaining to the client why your boss is late to the conference call*, and much, MUCH more!
Handshake course offered separately.
*Testimonials have indicated that the force of Fabuto Gesticuations™ is so palpable, they may not even need to be perceived visually to have an effect.
Fabutifize Me, Captain!
License the Fabuto Name to boost product sales. Like what Voldermort did with gold letters and international real estate to create an illusion of wealth, except, because this shit is free, none of that applies, so let us help you sell your product by Fabutifizing it.
Silk Shirt Acquisition
Worms made it, so you know it's good.
Wedding Toasts
Complimenting your Mother-In Law
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Memes
Enough said.
Fabuto Marketplace
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$¢£¥؋௹฿៛₠₡₢₣₤₥₦₧₨₩₪₫€₭₮₯₰₱₲₳₴₵₸₹₺₼₽
Fuck the Rothschild$
Fabutos are Not Capitalist Pigs...
Therefore, we do not charge for our services. Also, we are extremely good at protecting our family fortune, which is rich in Love and Dogecoin, so your money is no good to us. Also, per Fabuto Family Fortune Policy 6.52(c), government-backed currency is but a scam that reinforces systemic control of citizens by a small minority of evil overlords in Midwestern states.
However, Fabutos accept repatriation for the invaluable services rendered in the form of a donation to one of our favorite non-profits below.
“In these dark times, we must never forget that America’s revolution was sparked by the flint of ‘no taxation without representation.’ #notmypresident”
$20...
30-Minute Private Walk
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$15...
30-Minute Semi-Private Walk
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Testimonials
I never Knew Life Could be this FaBUtiful.
Larry Fabuto Sr., Fabuto Fives Master Class Initiate
I used to wear cotton.
Clarence Hizzlecrine, Silk Shirt Acquisition Client
Wine Me, Dine Me...
Barack Obama, Stock Photo Model and Former Newport Smoker
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CONTACT US
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